George Kaufman: Want to hear me give a sentence using the word "punctilious"?
Aleck Woollcott: Give a sentence using the word "punctilious."
Kaufman: I know a man who has two daughters, Lizzie and Tillie. Lizzie is all right, but you have no idea how punctilious.
F. P. A.: Guess whose birthday it is today!
Beatrice Kaufman: Yours?
F. P. A.: No, but you're getting warm - it's Shakespeare's.
Heywood Broun (who'd taken up oil painting): You have no idea how hard it is to sell a painting.
F. P. A.: If it's so hard, why don't you just try selling the canvas? I'll give you a note to some tent-makers I know.
Broun: No more griping. Today I shall be bold, resolute and gay!
Kaufman: I hear they've just taken in a new partner and now the firm is Bold, Resolute, Gay and Berkowitz.
Charlie Chaplin (in a conversation about blood pressure): Mine is down to 108.
Kaufman: Common or preferred?
Dorothy Parker: I met a strange fellow up in Canada, the tallest man I ever saw, with a scar on his forehead. I asked him how he got the scar, and he said he must have hit himself. I asked him how he could reach so high. He said he guessed he must have stood on a chair.
Famous Actress (bragging about her husband): Look at him! Isn't he beautiful? And do you know, I've kept him for seven years now!
Dorothy Parker: Don't worry -- he'll come back in style.
Robert Benchley: Have you heard the one about the little boy on the train?
Kaufman (who's heard it twenty times; for some strange reason it's Benchley's favourite joke): No.
Benchley: A man gets on the train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. "How old's your kid?" the conductor says, and the father says he's four years old. "He looks at least twelve to me," says the conductor, and the father says, "Can I help it if he worries?"
Harold Ross: "This looks like a nice day for discoveries. Let's discover something. Maybe we could get a key and a kite and go discover electricity.
F. P. A.: I think Benjamin Franklin already did an experiment like that. Wasn't he the guy who flew a kite and discovered the air-cooled car?
Ross: Well, I could go out and lie in an orchard and let an apple hit me on the head and discover Newton's Law of Gravity. This could lead to the invention of the elevator and nobody would have to walk upstairs anymore.
Kaufman: A funny thing -- I happened to be lying in an orchard this very morning. Only it was a fig orchard, and a fig hit me on the head, and that made me think of the Law of Gravity, and I said to myself, "This will lead to the invention of Fig Newtons, and maybe I could sell the idea to some big biscuit company and make myself a fortune.
Woollcott: Well, it's buckety-buckety back to work for little Acky. (Exits, singing)
I hope you fry in hell,
I hope you fry in hell,
Heigh-ho the merry-o,
I hope you fry in hell!...
of Round Table conversation from Harpo's autobiography, Harpo Speaks!.